Praise be to the Berkeley students who made this revolution possible! Their tireless effort in infiltrating the highest ranks of the U.S. government allowed us to swiftly dispatch the few in Washington who opposed our benevolent rule. Now that the Exalted Hugo Chavez has been made “Most Honorable and Sacred Supreme leader of the World Ever,” all citizens of the world will be equal! Already I can see the crowds rejoicing in the streets 34 stories below my penthouse humble window! Already I can see the sweet tears of the Workingman’s joy! Already… I must go for… Already I can see my black sturgeon caviar arriving at the door.

Perhaps you will notice the yellow background of these articles. Yellow journalism, a sensationalized media form that emerged during the Spanish-American War, fueled passions and emotions of Americans and totally influenced the course of the war. A less extreme version of yellow journalism still exists today. Journalists masquerade exaggerated headlines, distorted facts, and biased opinions as objective news to capture the attention of their readers and boost sales.

The Ridge, of course, employs all efforts to promptly gather and present a broad panorama of news, in order to keep its audience entertained and well-informed. The Ridge deems its readers capable of considering everything they read, believing them sensible enough to use their intelligence and common sense to discern for themselves among the data on the site what is worthy…. or not.

So, should you believe everything you read?

We’ll leave that decision up to you.

Happy April Fool’s Day!

“I’m pretty much the best there is,” says Shaw (‘13) in a very modest tone. The sad thing is, it’s true. Just the other weekend, Fernley High School had to go and purchase a new measuring tape because they could not reach Shaw’s mark. In fact, Hayden’s blood samples are being taken to ensure that there are no performance enhancing drugs present in his system. To get a feel for how far he can actually throw, when questioned about his PR (personal record), Shaw responds with: “Let’s just say I can throw a shot a quarter mile. Over them mountains there.”

His coach, Rob VanCleve, is exceedingly proud of his accomplishments as well. “We are trying to get him into the Junior Olympics and the national shot put hall of fame,” he explains. Every day Hayden can be found training on the soccer field, lobbing his heavy metal ball with the grunts and yelps of a champion. He is favored to win state and the upcoming summer Olympics, and the entire school is so very proud of his effort and abilities.

Shaw aims to be the best in the nation within the next year, but he feels like he needs to step up his game. As he aptly stated, “there are a lot of people out there trying to be king. There can only be one.” A lot is in store for this young man, and his cannon arms will no doubt do him wonders.

Two days ago, Jordan Welch (‘14) reported that “peculiar smells seemed to be originating from the compost pile.”  When students investigated the compost, they discovered that this was a catastrophe at the very least.  Yellow-green slime was bubbling up from the pile and overflowing the garden with smelly gunk by the second.

Eco Council began brainstorming solutions for the accident, and agreed that students would need to act quickly to move the pile and bury the waste.  Despite their immediate response to the problem, this solution was neither significant nor effective on any level.  Unknown to Eco Council, the catastrophe had only just begun.

Mr. Shindell, realizing that this was a serious issue, hired an environmental inspector on behalf of Sage Ridge to analyze the compost pile.  Once results were returned to the school, Mr. Shindell was informed that Sage Ridge was located over a cavern filled with nuclear waste. The glowing green solution that was spewing from the compost pile was actually the remnants of a nuclear disaster.

The inspector returned the results of the United States Department of Environmental Maintenance, informing the Board of Trustees and Sage Ridge faculty that, because of the nuclear compost pile, the school would soon be shut down and relocated.

In addition, serious health effects have begun showing up in the form of symptoms among the student body, especially among Eco Council members.  Severe symptoms include green skin, extra extremities, and, in some cases, baldness.  As of today, six students have been reported to be in critical condition as a result of extreme exposure to the toxic nuclear waste.  When students were trying to mend the problem by shoveling and burying the nuclear waste bubbling from underground, they were exposed to unimaginable levels of radiation.  Doctors say that even more students are expected to show signs of similar health issues.

As a result of this accident, Sage Ridge School is planning to move to a new location in Reno where it can be certain that all safety hazards will be eliminated and students will remain safe.  After all the nuclear waste has been removed from the school’s current location, Sage Ridge will be able to move back to its original location. Though the U.S. Department of Environmental Maintenance expects that the ground beneath will soon be completely cleaned up and entirely safe, teachers and students are now skeptical about continuing to compost.

For those bored with the standard plays performed by the Theater Department, this spring will bring a new dramatic experience. Taking a great leap in developing the current theater program, the School has decided to open its stage to new members of the community, namely, Dr. Bialkowski’s cat, Fuzzard.

This year has seen a host of new advances in the theater department. First these changes were manifested in the all-middle school play, Annie. Deciding that the current theater program could no longer accommodate the interests and talents of countless middle school students, the Theater Department has shifted gears, and set design, to accommodate the extraordinary abilities of Fuzzard, and has furthermore decided to run a musical to feature his talents.

This cat has generated excitement among many students and teachers for years. The frenzy reached its peak last March when a picture of Fuzzard circulated about the school (featured with this article). Since then he has achieved fame as an extremely attractive, talented, and well-mannered feline. Community members couldn’t contain their admiration of Fuzzard. Ms. Dickson raved to her students, “He is a very well-adjusted cat,” before listing the feline’s other positive qualities.

Students can expect to see this showcase sometime in the next few months. It will be a one-cat-show, in which Fuzzard performs a wide variety dance styles and meows harmoniously to numerous well-known tunes. Selections include “Meow Meow Meow Meow,” originally seen in Meow Mix commercials, “The Kitty Cat Song,” and “The Mean Kitty Song.”

When asked about the rational for this new direction in theater, Mr. Crain responded, “We’re really excited about the new show; I think it will be a great hit.”

Will Fuzzard’s performance interfere with Grease, the other musical being performed by a more traditional troop of students? “I think that’s definitely possible,” said Sabrina Cheema (‘13), “Not that Grease won’t be fun, but I’d rather see Fuzzard singing. I’ve never been a big fan of musicals, but I think this will be an unforgettable performance. Plus, Fuzzard’s cuter.”

Silence.

“Where’s Garduno!?”

“Uhm… he-”

“No talking! Drop and give me seventy! Track is a mental battle! Games are for them volleyball folk. Are there any questions!? Good, didn’t think so!”

I really don’t see why runners run. It’s after school. You’re tired. You have homework. And the day has been long enough already. Running isn’t fun. Running is work. It’s a simple equation:

Stressfulness + The Short Bus + Pain + Rain/Snow/Hail + Short- shorts + Complete exhaustion= Track…

“How was track?” An unsuspecting friend asks.

“Well, ya know.”

“Where did you guys go?”

“We did hill repeats up at Huffaker Park.”

“Hill repeats? What’s that?”

“The repeating of hills. Just like it sounds.”

“What does that even mean!?”

“You run up a hill. You run back down. And then you run up it again.”

“Oh.”

Before I could take another sip of chocolate milk, I was alone at the lunch table. Weird how fast people can run when they really want to. They should join track.

Hipster music, according to the definition of this individual, was defined as: “you know, really cool stuff. I dunno, it’s really broad…there’s just so much cool stuff by independent artists…I mean, I personally have a really different taste in music. There aren’t a lot of cool people that would appreciate it.” He added that “most people just listen to whatever’s on the radio, you know? I really listen to music.”

Up-and-coming independent artists like Animal Collective and Bon Iver were previously considered “hipster” or “indie,” but were recently dubbed “too mainstream” to be considered “hipster.” “Oh yeah, I used to listen to Bon Iver,” continued the self-classified hipster. “He used to be really cool, but ever since he was nominated for a Grammy, too many people have been listening to his music. He was only good when he was obscure and no one had heard about him.”

So how does one classify “indie” music? “I dunno, if it’s really obscure stuff I usually listen to it,” concluded the hipster. “I mean, it doesn’t really matter if it’s good or not, but it sounds really impressive if you list a bunch of bands no one has ever heard of. For instance, have you ever heard of the Cocktail Slippers? No? Good.”

When some confusion was expressed at this sentiment, he explained: “The whole point of listening to indie music is so you can impress all your friends. Sometimes, when I really want to show them what a hipster I am, I’ll make up a couple band names and pretend they’re my new favorite band. Like ‘Angry Mustache!’ And it helps if you give long lectures about why obscure music is so much better than any other genre.” He added excitedly, “I think it really works. I mean, my friends were so impressed that they all blocked me on Facebook and stopped talking to me out of jealousy. Yeah, it was definitely out of jealousy.”

So, if you want to be on the forefront of up and coming music, make sure to check out this new hipster music.

Next fall, students will set aside their backpacks in favor of suitcases and travel to places much farther away. These new Outdoor Ed destinations will provide students with entirely new experiences.

Next year, the senior class will not be travelling to Ashland, but will instead be heading to London, England, where they will get to experience theater in a true cultural epicenter. However, theater is not the only form of art that they will be experiencing. The twelfth grade will also have the opportunity to enjoy the magnificent architecture of Westminster Abbey and St. Paul’s Cathedral, and will get to see a view of the city from the great height of the tremendous London Eye that sits right on the Thames. The Thames is not the only great river that will be admired by students; the juniors will also get to experience a world-renowned body of water.

In the year to come, the junior class will travel to Brazil, enjoying some of the fantastic features of the South American continent, including the rainforests and the Amazon River. As they explore some of the continent’s greatest attractions, they will experience the unique culture of the people and establish a more secular view of the world

Like the upperclassmen, the sophomore class can also anticipate a change of scenery. Next year they will not be going on a rock climbing adventure as they have in the past, but will instead board a plane and head to Paris, France. There, they will ascend the steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower to enjoy the incredible view from the top. Instead of eating the standard camping food, they will be enjoying the delicious gourmet food of France. Never again will they have to stare vacantly at rock walls and dirt. They will also travel to the Louvre where they will get to view the legendary Mona Lisa and other renowned pieces of art.

The freshmen class of the 2012-2013 school year will not be going to Big Sur either, as per tradition, but instead will travel to the beautiful islands of Hawaii. While in Big Sur, freshmen went whale watching and traveled to the Monterey Bay Aquarium, but on this trip, they will get a much closer look at aquatic animals in the ocean. Students will hike up the beautiful green mountains and enjoy swimming in the clear blue ocean- a much more relaxing and invigorating introduction into the Upper School.

As these new changes are implemented in the year to come, students will no longer be packing huge hiking backpacks, hopping onto crowded, smelly buses, and sleeping on the hard ground in tents, but instead will be traveling in luxury to new, thrilling, and exotic places. The third week of school brings a new excitement for all of the students, an excitement that they will carry with them as they travel to places across the world.

In mid-March, the Sage Ridge Administration announced their response to the brewing danger on campus, declaring that in order to protect students, all exterior doors would be locked. Now, students cannot enter or exit Crossbow without the aid of an identified administrator or teacher, and intruders have to march by the all-seeing eyes of the office staff if they dare to threaten the Webster building.

Moreover, all staff and faculty must wear cleanly-laminated identification cards on them at all times, so that students will be able to distinguish math teachers from Jihadists. Mr. Cook’s infamous puppy, Hobo, has even been brought onto campus on several occasions to sniff out opium stashes and hidden bombs in the lockers of suspicious students.

While these measures may seem drastic, the results speak for themselves. Since the implementation of the new security policy there has been a 100% decrease in murders, armed robberies, and illicit drug trade on school grounds. While the staff is still seeking methods to protect students from the five-minute intervals of vulnerability that occur during passing periods, students are sleeping sounder than ever. One student said, “the new security measures make me feel exponentially safer. I’ll never have to tremble through another trig class again.”

Although some students may take a while to adjust to the new security measures, the community is safe. The terrorists have been discouraged by the locked doors, and drug lords can no longer blend in with the faculty. Sage Ridge can now breathe easy.

This club’s goal is to collect every single Pokemon card in existence, ranging from Squirtle to Electabuzz. Club members are even finding holographic, Japanese editions cards that are extremely rare. A club member, John Dewald (‘13) said, “The challenge of collecting all the Pokemon cards is more difficult than any race I have ever run.”  Dewald is known in the club as being one of the best Pokemon trainers.  He has coached every Pokemon species to destroy his opponents in battle.  He has gone undefeated this year and looks to continue his success in the future.  When asked about the Pokemon Silver Cup Challenge coming up in June, Dewald replied, “I can’t predict the future, but I can train Jigglypuff to initiate domination.  At this point in time, I’m just going to focus on doing the best I can for my Pokemon species.”

Prasad and Bialkowski were nervous that their club would not be perceived as a serious undertaking.  However, both trainers angrily refute any attacks on the validity of their club. Prasad said, “To all those Pokemon haters out there, I have one thing to say: Pokemon is a way of life for many people.  To attack Pokemon is to attack the very essence of humanity!”  The interview ended with Prasad stomping away with his limbs flailing.

Bialkowski has put hours of effort into communicating with Satoshi Tajiri, the creator of Pokemon. Last week, Bialkowski was able to notify Taijiri about the club and its popularity. Bialkowski said, “Taijiri was extremely exited about the club. Taijiri is glad to see that his legacy is carrying on especially in high school. He hopes that the club stays strong and will gain even more interest as the years go on. It is incredible that such a small school has been able to be recognized by the internationally known creator of Pokemon.”

Andrew Chellman (‘13) sees the new addition to Sage Ridge School as something more than a club. The Pokemon group shows how something that was once a taboo can become a part of everyday life.  He said, “One time me and my friends were at my house playing with Pokemon cards and my parents called us three year olds. I felt sad, so we went skiing.”  Few share the same ideas that John has, but they can all agree on one thing: Gotta catch’em all!